The doors of worlds I am trying to traverse are finally starting to get weak. The bones in my feet no longer hurt from kicking them profusely from years on end; they have became stronger and adapt to the pain. As I slowly leave the world I know all too well I can’t help but feel like an angry alien. Like one of those Sci-fi flicks with intruders from outter space hell bent on destroying earth, here I am.
In the midst of clean shaves and overpriced suits I stand out like a sore thumb. I feel more comfortable talking to the wait staff then the big names and titles at my table. I had to go through hell in every sense of the word just to make it this far; yet I still have so far to go. In a sense I understand why the aliens were so angry and hellbent in those movies, I see the parallels.
This brunch was 20 minutes from my house but it might as well have been in Moscow. Same city, different worlds. The people in this room have had a hand in making my life miserable directly or indirectly. Whether it be policies they have came up with or job applications that have been ignored, I can’t help but have a chip on my shoulder. I have outgrown the world that I have known for 34 years but these new ones ain’t all that impressive either.
Bland food, mind numbing small talk and industrial strength pretentiousness seem to be a reoccurring theme on this side of the gun. This room full unassuming power brokers makes me question a myriad of things in no particular order. I got here through hard work and God.
They more than likely didn’t have to work as hard I did or endure the bullshit that comes with kingdom chasing. They simply went to school and got good jobs that I have been denied hundreds of times over. They are no smarter than me and would lose their minds if they had to live in the world I do. Poverty, desperation, hopelessness all wreak havoc on a person’s mind; now add systematic racism into the bitches brew.
The result is me; an angry alien. Much like angry aliens in movies I don’t give a fuck about your way of life when you have made mine hell for so long. I was the blackest person in sitting at a table with a supreme court judge and the wait staff saw this. They gave me my food before they gave him his and everyone at the table had a look of shock on their faces. This african brother gave me the nod as he served me first. Never in a million years would I think I would be in this space I am currently in.
Years of dreaming, planning, pain and loss are slowly starting to come to an end. You would think I would be happy to finally see some of my goals coming to fruition; but if anything I’m extremely vexed. The black people on this side might as well be in blackface; no soul and extremely docile. It made me sick to my stomach to see the way they acted. It was disheartening to see that they couldn’t be their authentic selves around these big shots. All teeth and forced laughter seems to be how u get in good graces on this side of the gun barrel.
I don’t know how to be fake; in order to play the game you have to come up with an alter ego. I can’t help but think of the people I have lost along the way that I would have deep discussions about making it with. If they only knew; this shit is for the birds. Nothing is special about anybody in this room; but like the saying goes perception is reality. On this road to the kingdom be prepared to feel like an angry alien. That day is coming kings and queens; make sure your spaceship is ready.